by cheryl on September 1, 2010
1. ATM Machines
You know how there are ATM machines, and ATM machines are supposed to make your life that much better because they’re everywhere and convenient? ATM machines aren’t convenient at all and don’t better my life. Like every time I deposit money or a check there’s a hold on it for like 10 days (not including weekends) and it’s just like, what the fuck, bank? Why are there are so many people working at your branch, but no one ever manages to process my checks before the 10 day deadline? And you know- they tell you that you can wait in line so that a bank teller can deposit your shit for you which makes it go faster, except that the line for the bank teller is always so ridiculously long, it’s almost as if it’s a requirement for bank tellers to be slow.
And be bad at math.
2. People who spray perfume at you when you walk by their counter.
What. the. fuck. Why? Just why do you have to do that? Is it your job to be an asshole or are you just stupid? This is partially the reason why I never go to department stores. I walk in smelling like awesome and come out smelling like old vagina.
3. People who follow you preaching about Jesus even if you’ve already said that you’re not really interested and have no time.
I don’t have a problem with religion. I don’t care if you believe in Jesus, the Antichrist, Buddha or the director of Girls Gone Wild, but unless this religion of yours is going to solve world famine or global warming or stop Kim Jung-Il’s midget ass from taking over the world, piss the hell off and don’t run after me for two blocks with books and pamphlets. I am not opposed to kicking you in the crotch.
4. People who eavesdrop during semi-private conversations and give judgmental opinions.
The other day a friend was telling me about how she was dating a couple of men, and this chick at the next table was like “that’s so disgusting, do you know how cheap you are”, and I was like yo, get the hell out of this conversation before I plug your fucking vagina, and she did because I totally could have totally taken her.
5. Birds flying into coffeeshops.
I get that it’s summer out and y’all want to open windows. That’s cool, but shouldn’t there be some sort of screen to prevent bugs and birds from going into a coffeeshop? Like this morning, I was at Second Cup, and this bird just flies in and chills on my table, and I’m pretty much freaking out because it’s like standing right beside my cup, and I’m afraid it might attack me or drink all my coffee, and you know, if it decides to drink my coffee, it’s not like I can do anything to it because I’m terrified of it, so this is just a lose-lose situation and I’m no longer safe anywhere except between the walls of my apartment.
What things do you come across daily that drive you insane?
by cheryl on August 25, 2010
and you’re just like “FUCK I KNOW I JUST DON’T HAVE TIME ANYMORE BECAUSE I TURNED 24 LAST WEEK AND SOMEHOW TURNING A YEAR OLDER MEANS I HAVE MORE RESPONSIBILITIES LIKE BILLS AND JOBS AND ALL SORTS OF OTHER CRAP THAT I CAN’T THINK OF RIGHT NOW BECAUSE IT’S 3:00AM IN THE MORNING, AND I REALLY SHOULD BE SLEEPING BECAUSE I’M STARTING TO GET ALL FUZZY IN MY BRAIN AND I’M STARTING TO GET STABBY FEELINGS IN MY EYES, AND WHY IS THIS ALL IN CAPS”. Oh there we go. I’m not screaming at you guys, I swear, BUT it’s totally okay if you want to yell at me in the comments and call me a jerkoff because I don’t blog as much as I used to anymore because I’m just so damn tired all the time, and when I’m not tired, I’m trying to work on things I actually get paid to do and catch up on all my TV Shows- like seriously, how do some people have so much time to go to work, come home, cook, clean, watch TV and still be able to blog? How are you not ridiculously tired and ready to stab yourself by the end of the night? Not that I’m stabbing myself on the regular.
I don’t stab myself. Unless by stabbing you mean…
Someone might need to sign me up for sexaholics anonymous.
Kidding.
Sort of.
I saw bums having sex outside the church the other day, and there were cops right across the street debating about whether or not to stop the homeless people from ejaculation, which is like, totally fucked because if they were non-homeless people who were butt-naked and having sex outside a church, the cops would have totally given them a ticket, but because they were homeless and probably ridiculously drunk and smelly, the cops didn’t do shit all. Actually, I don’t know if you’d get a ticket for having public sex, and if you do get a ticket, can you finish anyway because you know- you’ve already gotten the ticket so you’re going to have to pay anyway…. it’s kind of like getting a parking ticket, if I’ve already gotten the ticket anyway, I’m going to continue to park there until I feel like moving just because I’ve already gotten the ticket and it’s not like they’re going to charge me more.
Question to think about.
I also feel like I should move. This church next to my apartment is so fucked up, I don’t even know if it can be considered as a church. Like, there are people (not just bums) constantly drinking 40s, smoking pot, having sex, and feeding pigeons.
Pigeons are the devil.
Fucking hate pigeons.
The other day, I was walking infront of the church, and this bum was feeding pigeons, and so there were flocks of them just chilling, and I kind of flinched when a pigeon started flapping its wings, and the pigeon-feeding bum thought it was so funny, he through a piece of bread at my feet, and pigeons swarmed at me and I fucking almost had a heartattack.
If you have me on Facebook, you already know that story.
It’s fucking too late for all this blogging. I don’t even know what this post was originally about anymore.
I’m going to bed.
Does anyone even read this blog anymore?
by cheryl on August 2, 2010
Anyone else ever just sit there and people-watch? It’s probably the best past time activity ever. Like one minute you’re just sitting there minding your own business, having lunch and wondering which part of the cow made the hamburger patty, and then all of a sudden some girl will walk by wearing a ridiculous outfit that sort of looks like an animé character but also like a fucking idiot, and she’ll be walking next to this other girl in the most gothic outfit ever- equipped with trench-coat in 80degree weather and black lipstick, and they’ll be talking to this girl wearing some pink, cupcake looking skirt and a puffy shirt, and another guy in harem pants and black eyeliner, and you’re just like is there some sort of strange character-convention I’m not aware of? Like who dresses like that in public! And then some guy wearing his jeans below his ass and a belly-bearing shirt with tattoos of red roses up and down his arms, comes along and answers your question, and you’re just like what the hell, world? Like, I totally get that sometimes fashion means being unique and that’s why there are stores like American Apparel that paper bags disguised as “clothing”, but come on now. There’s a difference in being unique and weird, and if you don’t know the difference, let me tell you.
Unique=wearing Michael Jackson’s military jacket.
Weird=Wearing underpants over leggings.
Anyway. I people stare all the time, and it’s pretty much one of my favourite things to do in Montreal just because there are so many weirdos here. Weirdos and drunk people. I LOVE WATCHING DRUNK PEOPLE.
by cheryl on July 28, 2010
This morning I woke up to 150 unread emails- some were work-related but most were from readers, friends, and people who I didn’t even know read my blog, which is why I’ve decided to fuck this internet hiatus bullshit and go back to writing about seriously awesome shit like porn and stabbing vaginas because that’s what my grandpa would have wanted. Probably.
Speaking of porn, why are people in videostores so sketchy about going into the Adult section? Like why do they stand outside browsing independent movies until everyone peaces out? Like what is the point of that? IF YOU WATCH DIRTY MOVIES, YOU SHOULD WALK IN THE RED ROOM PROUDLY! God knows I do. Has anyone ever had a discussion about an x-rated movie inside the Adult movie section? Like when I’m browsing actual movies, people are always making comments about the movies I pick up, like “yea that was a great movie!” or “no! What the fuck? You like John Cuszack? Why don’t you just stop existing right now?”, but that never happens to me in the X-Rated section. In fact, I don’t think I’ve seen another person in the X-Rated section.
Not that I go in there often.
Just sometimes.
I’M NOT ADDICTED TO PORN, I SWEAR.
Fuck, this blog probably gives all my employers the wrong idea about me.
Anyway. Yesterday, this bum called me a cunt. Outside this church. First of all, I don’t know if people are actually allowed to say “cunt” on the steps of the house of God.. second of all, “CUNT”? SERIOUSLY? How rude. Bums like that deserve to have their penises cut off and eaten by other bums. Like- what the fuck? I’m not opposed to people asking me for money or the last bite of my donut but if you’re going to beg for money, you should at least be nice about it, and probably not be wasted out of your mind and still drinking. I’m pretty sure that’s why people aren’t giving you money. Asshole.
The other day I found out that the Backstreet Boys were going to be in town and if you don’t know who they are then you should probably stab yourself before I stab you because oh my fuck when I was 12 years old all I wanted to do was mount them. All of the them. At the same time. Okay, maybe not at the same time but you get the point. But anyway, when I was 12, my mom wouldn’t let me “because I was too young” but now that I’m 24 and a responsible adult, I can basically do whatever the fuck I want, and I think that’ll be on my agenda for next month when they’re here: mount a Backstreet Boy. Unless they don’t look good anymore, in which case I don’t even want to go to their concert because let’s face it, their music is so bad, going to their concert without any potential of getting laid is kind of like volunteering to get shot in the ears.
PS, thank you to everyone who emailed me/sent me a message/called me. I’m slowly getting back to everyone but you should all know I’M SO THANKFUL FOR ALL OF YOU. YOU FUCKING ROCK AND DESERVE GOLD STARS.
by cheryl on July 26, 2010
In honour of my grandfather, Starbucks Break will be offline this week.
Tell someone you love them today, before it’s too late.
Rest.In.Peace.
